Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent