@PastorBate

Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.

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@jennalinds

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

@sexncake

My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts

@Terdoh

The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

@notmythirdrodeo

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

@Sassafrantz

If I’m ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I’ll be like “stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!”

@FU_TangClan

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

@trevso_electric

You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I’ll pay someone to get rid of you.

@squashgoblet

crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you