Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.

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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new


My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts


The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.


I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

too salty

this one is broken

that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

not salty enough

broken again


If I’m ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I’ll be like “stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!”


Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife


You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I’ll pay someone to get rid of you.


crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you