I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
*seductively eats two tums*
Why is this me 😫
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
happy valentine’s day to me
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal