[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
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[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.