@NewDadNotes

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

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@funnyordie

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@PaigeKellerman

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

@MohanadElshieky

Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.

Dane Cook: hold my beer.

Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.

@sug_knight

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

@SwirlySkittles

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

@SketchesbyBoze

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

@qwertying

I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”

@mccormick_ted

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting