Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
🏙👨🏼
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
If only
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all