Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
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Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.
Dane Cook: hold my beer.
Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting