Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.

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When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.


So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…


How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.


Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.


Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!


My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave


According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”GloriaFallon123″;s:5:”image”;s:68:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/614026754/Gloria_small_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”231766307383697409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”89″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.””;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box