@shutupmikeginn

Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.

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@Tups13

When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.

@stephenjmolloy

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

@Shock_Monster

How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.

@UncleDuke1969

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

@TweetPotato314

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

@T_Bonezzz

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”GloriaFallon123″;s:5:”image”;s:68:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/614026754/Gloria_small_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”231766307383697409″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”89″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.””;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@ArfMeasures

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box