I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
me: how much to see the great white sharks?
vendor: tickets are $25 each
me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”