[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

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CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice


Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.


Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.


God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is


PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid



5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?


Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.


A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number


*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92