[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone