CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !