[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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Snapes on a plane.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right