I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
You say “potato”, I say “This isn’t working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me.”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.
Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.