@jessokfine

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

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@aveuaskew

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

@TwinSurvivalist

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

@Jesusontwittorr

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

@bobvulfov

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

@KeetPotato

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

@mewritesgood

You say “potato”, I say “This isn’t working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me.”

@BunAndLeggings

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

@MouthOfSass

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.

@AK_Holica

Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?