Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
What?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The old gods are rising again.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000