Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

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I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.


When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.


To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later


WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck


*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”


You say “potato”, I say “This isn’t working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me.”


Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!


While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.


Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?