Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I put the mess in domestic.