Seals are just dog mermaids.
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”