Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
getting groceries
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.