me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
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Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Just watched a commercial…How is it possible that the side effect for asthma medication is shortness of breath?
DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: sandwich for lunch?
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
don’t you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Get in the van.