[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”