@chuuew

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

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@GroovyTasia

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

@PureDad

Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!

@junejuly12

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

@mochanya

Just watched a commercial…How is it possible that the side effect for asthma medication is shortness of breath?

@FeelingMervis

DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.

@juliabailz

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

@ThisOneSayz

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

@Marlebean

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

@MrSpoonicorn

don’t you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV

@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.