@KeetPotato

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

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@urmumsausername

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

@Darlainky

Poetry is hard enough but damn haiku got me over here counting syllables and shit.

@Kryzazy

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

@PretendMaker

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

@amishschool

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

@junejuly12

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

@Rainmaker1973

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

@sarcasm_inc

*at a loud house party*
Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I’D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER

@ibid78

[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying