Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“Why you watching this shit?”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Confused owl: What?!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Okey dokey.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.