I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
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Poetry is hard enough but damn haiku got me over here counting syllables and shit.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Disney: Just her mom?
Disney: Her dad?
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
*at a loud house party*
Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I’D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER
[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying