@candyflippin

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

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@TragicAllyHere

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

@jrogasm

I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.

@wienerherzog

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

@ImHopel3ss

Somewhere, someplace, there’s a hole in the world & inside it there’s a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can’t find.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.

@ChrisLaSacUK

I’ve been trying out the rum diet this week, I’ve lost 2 days already.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

@iamspacegirl

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

@batkaren

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.