Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Writing, She Murdered.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?