@AbrasiveGhost

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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

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@mommajessiec

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

@fart

accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”

@Gooooats

I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.

@michael_raphone

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

@UniqueDude2

*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”

@nealbrennan

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

@andylassner

I’m always sad when I see a homeless person or someone with a Blackberry.

@MariyaAlexander

Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that’s also a desperate attempt not to die