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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.