Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
You Might Also Like
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Does beer think about me too?
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*