Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Sell your car
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Get in loser we’re going crying
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby