*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
we’re gonna need another temp
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
won’t smith
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.