*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
a badder mouse
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room