[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
You Might Also Like
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Name another movie that mislead you?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve