[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
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hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Hitlers gonna hitl
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*
Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.
[takes a sip at wine tasting]
Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.