@3sunzzz

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

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@trojansauce

[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*

@AudreyPorne

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

@vancitybarbie

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

@anna5skin

my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo

@Cyd10e

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

@Peauxtassium

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

@Coolisiana

*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*

@andreeahluscu

Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.

@Sassafrantz

[takes a sip at wine tasting]

Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.