[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
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Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way