@aguywithnolife

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

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@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

@wolfpupy

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

@_thatigirl

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

@nimble__nick

Dog: [Barks at the mailman]
Human: Bad dog.
Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off.

@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

@Darlainky

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

@WheelTod

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

@Mikecanrant

I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.