searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.


at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations


[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy


Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.


Dog: [Barks at the mailman]
Human: Bad dog.
Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off.


*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”


Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.


“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day


I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.