Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems