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@IGotsSmarts: Searching for stuff on the internet when you're drunk is called Beer Googles.
@moose_chocolate: "America is getting snow? How cute"
@abrianmc: Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
- Cole's Law
@stephenjmolloy: "Nutella causes cancer" says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. "Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them."
@TragicAllyHere: Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
@fro_vo: "HOW" - dyslexic owl