Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me