Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects

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[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is


I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.


Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.


It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house


Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel


[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying


Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza


Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me


If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.