@yonewt

Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

@sarcasticmommy4

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

@FormerChild

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

@donni

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@murrman5

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

@jakob_huber

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

@froghammer

Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me

@TwatWaffler69

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.