my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board