Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle