*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
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Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.