Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*watches the world burn*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana