[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.