[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Did my cat write this
Bj枚rk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Sometimes I don鈥檛 delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Apparently Red Cross won鈥檛 let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
You don鈥檛 have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 馃槀
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn鈥檛 even take care of the last one
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we鈥檙e bringing our own geese?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
You’re the water to my grease fire.