(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
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My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.