I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass