[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

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Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.


“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”


If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.


No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.


If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.


This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font


Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?