@Bob_Janke

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

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@christinaloca

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

@withanewname

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

@AmishPornStar1

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

@wickedsuga

No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.

@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.

@MzCoburn

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

@karanbirtinna

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?