[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?