[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
*struts into the new year
~ trips
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Sunday
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.