Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Truth
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*