@Pork_Chop_Hair

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

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@MattElGato

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from

@goodhairperson

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

@Marlebean

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

@IamJackBoot

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

@BubblesnBooze

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

@thatsuperdad

Stranger: Sir your fly is down…

Me: Oh geez! Thanks.

*Bends down and picks up fly*

Me: He’s had some wing issues lately

@lizetagge

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

@cjwerleman

When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?