“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
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I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!
ME to BF: “We need to talk about the future.” BF: “what about it,you wanna talk about flying cars and robots and stuff?”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?
HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?