I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
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[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Stranger: Sir your fly is down…
Me: Oh geez! Thanks.
*Bends down and picks up fly*
Me: He’s had some wing issues lately
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?