[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.