@DillDoes

*secret agent slaps me*
I’ll never give you answers
*he grabs my throat*
“WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA”
*spits*
I’d rather die

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@PJTLynch

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

@MichaelTrying

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

@primawesome

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

@BarebakAssassin

The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.

@AnemoneOh

Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese

@TheWinegasm

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

@Chelsea_Elle

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

@Mom_Overboard

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME