*secret agent slaps me*
I’ll never give you answers
*he grabs my throat*
I’d rather die

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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish


The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.


This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.


The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.


Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese


Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?


Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.


[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????


[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME