Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

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The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.


I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.


Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.


First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.


Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no


Municipal Government: Try to stay home
Provincial Government: Try to stay home
Federal Government: Try to stay home
My boss: See you tomorrow


I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.


Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.


I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story


If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold