@NightValeRadio

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

You Might Also Like

@shahrouzt

The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

@SirEviscerate

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

@difficultpatty

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

@saltssaltgirl

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

@drinksmcgee

Municipal Government: Try to stay home
Provincial Government: Try to stay home
Federal Government: Try to stay home
My boss: See you tomorrow

@OilCan314

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

@lucidchemistry

I’ve mastered the art of knowing what not to say…not saying it, whole different story

@SoVeryBritish

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold