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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??