@AlisonChrista

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

@Darlainky

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

@DrakeGatsby

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

@HelloJessicaFox

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

@Alex_N_Chains

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

@cloudypianos

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

@Book_Krazy

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

@eeethanford

[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME

@CheryeDavis

Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.

@Jen_says_nah

*puts message in a bottle

*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in

*gets tazed and arrested for littering