Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
OMG 🤣🤣
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old