Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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Just remembering when I went to pick up my son from a playdate, feeling gorgeous, with professionally colored and straightened hair, and he took one look at me and said, “You’re not my mom!”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’m not saying that I don’t like him…
But I hope he wakes up out of coffee and finds out that his phone updated and all of the apps he uses want him to re-enter his login and password.
God: you’re a zebra.
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Alien: This is candy corn?
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.