Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker: