*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes


Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.


When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends


4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.


Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story


Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.


I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.


Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I’ve killed.

Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.


[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth