*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
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“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.