*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

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Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice


H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.


Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.


I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!


“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)


Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.


This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.


So I licked her face.


Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship


If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.