Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.