Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Breaking news:
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath