Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.