@ilovepie84

Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.

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@pleatedjeans

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

@zachreinert03

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

@VanGobot

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

@CornOnTheGoblin

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

@anerdonfire2

The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.

@BigJDubz

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

@ronnui_

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

@jwoodham

Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”

@farleftcoast

I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.