Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
You Might Also Like
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
A French press is when you hug naked
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking