Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.